Being alone with your baby that first night in hospital is a scary prospect. I said bye to hubby at 8pm after only having our baby at 1:45pm that afternoon. The moment you are left alone with your baby you feel as though you are in a bubble. It’s mostly overwhelming love but don’t worry if you feel something different. You have just been through a massive ordeal even if it was the most perfect birth, your body will not feel the same and your life will have changed forever.
Everyone will tell you when you get home and settle in with your new family unit that it will be easier. On that first night in hospital I was exhausted, I was emotional, I was breastfeeding but mainly just staring into these new eyes that I had imagined for longer than I want to admit.
You dream of the moment with your baby in your arms and expect that to be exactly what had filled those dreams, love and for me that first night I experienced love and hope. I believed I could be the mother I wanted to be I’d conquered the initial fear and overcome the worry. What would you do alone with your baby for the very first time? Well instincts take over your sleep deprived, exhausted body. Even struggling to feed at 3am didn’t dampen my spirits. I rang my bell, handed him to a midwife, gave her some pre mixed formula and asked her to feed him. He was fine this will not affect his life after this moment, I felt no guilt in doing this.
The thing is when you get home and your partner or your family are supporting you it’s like a little bubble again protecting your mind from wondering, all your concentration is on your new human.
It’s weeks later when it hit me that every morning when I take him out of his Moses basket and go into our kitchen, I’m just making tea for one. I’ve got a person whom I’m solely responsible for in my arms. These eyes look up at you and you are staying, not leaving and coming back after work, your here. For all the nappy changes, for the feeds, the tears and the smiles.
Being a mother is rewarding in so many ways and is a miracle when you think about what your body has done.
But sometimes it feels lonely and that’s ok too, after you’ve made baby noises for hours. Been out for a walk not wanted to put your headphones in just in case they make a noise. Sitting up in the dark nursing in the middle of the night, trying not to wake your better half because he has to work.
Know that it’s ok to have feelings other than love while caring for your little one but make sure you share how your feeling, arrange to meet friends and speak to your loved ones. Give yourself space and time to remember who you were but embrace your new self, embark on a new journey with a positive outlook along with baby. Enjoy getting to know yourself in your new role because although you may not want to, you have been changed!